Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
