how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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