just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he fucked my hip out of place.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
