If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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