so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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