My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize