Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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