ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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