I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
