A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
