Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
