I could make wine with my vomit
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
