I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
