why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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