id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
