I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
