He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
