Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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