I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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