I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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