She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
