Got a toothbrush?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
