He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
