At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize