i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
