It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The ass gains better be worth it
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