im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
FUCK WHALES
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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