I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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