nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
