I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
