I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
