i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
