I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
