o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
