I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
