I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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