You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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