I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
