if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
