if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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