My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
