got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
