i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
