not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize