An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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