My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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