did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
