im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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