Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
