Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
