he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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