At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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