at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
