Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
In America we eat man semen.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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