Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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