When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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