im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
